– Oxford.
– No possible way.
– I wonder why?
– You're not ready for such a test.
– A test? Mum, it's time I had a real life! I want to learn, I want to improve, I want to see the world, after all! You can't keep me in these four walls forever!
– By the way, I didn't go to university until I was two hundred and sixty-five.
– Those were the dark ages of patriarchy. Don't compare those times with today!
– Misha, we've talked about this many times, and I still stand by my opinion: you're not going to Oxford.
– All right, well, where do you suggest I go?
– If you're so keen to study, well… Go to Prague. Charles University is as good as Oxford.
– Prague? Close to Mariszka?
– Yes. I'll feel safe with her looking after you.
I rolled my eyes, full of awkward mockery at my mum's words, and also of disappointment and resentment at her distrust of me and my personal qualities.
«I'll feel comfortable with her looking after you» those words were so ridiculous and ridiculous! And so hurtful.
– Mum! – I just couldn't find the words to shake my mother's insistence.
She was sitting in front of me: beautiful, young, with her thin lips firmly pressed together.
– Honestly, sweetheart, I don't know where you got this obsession with going to Oxford and nowhere else» Mum said, squinting at me.
I rolled my eyes again: ever since I'd willingly taken on the role of spoilt girl, the act had stuck with me, and I could hardly contain myself when I was alone and didn't have to play along.
So, how do I explain my choice to my mum?
Ever since Markus's brother, my brother-in-law, had advised me to «Oxford, for a start» I couldn't shake the urge to study there.
Why did Cedric Morgan's words have such an effect on me? I did not know the answer to that question, but it seemed to me that his words had a magical effect on my outlook, for he was the strange, unsociable, loveless man who had said them. It was suffering – he said it himself, and from then on I saw love only in a black light and full of suffering. His speeches frightened me: I didn't want to suffer as much as he did. To suffer at all. I considered myself too sensitive to stand firm against the suffering that is part and parcel of love. But I did not want … I did not want it with all my soul!
This Cedric struck me to the core: serious, sullen, silent. And at the same time, his personality fascinated me because he lives the life he wants to live – him, not his loved ones or his parents. And his love for some girl… Such a contrast stunned me: his serious austere nature turned out to be dependent on love.
I'd only been back in Prague a week, but I'd already buzzed my mum's ears about Oxford. She didn't stay on the hunt for fun after Mariszka's wedding either and came back to Warsaw with me.
«Oxford. Only Oxford! Cedric can't be wrong!» – I thought stubbornly.
– Do you think I can't have my own opinion? – I asked unhappily, wanting to deceive my mum.
– Of course you can, but not at your age» she said calmly.
– Well, that's too much! – I was overcome with a strong irritation.
«No, it's ridiculous! Do I have to listen to my parents for the rest of my life?» – I thought irritably.
– Don't be so hot. Think about Prague, maybe you'll like it there.
– No, I wouldn't! I want to go to Oxford! That's it! – I rose abruptly from my chair and walked out of the dining room, where we were eating glasses of blood. I was overcome with rage.
My opinion doesn't count! How could it not! I am being disadvantaged even in such elementary things!
Going into my room and to spite my mother who couldn't stand the music I was listening to, I turned on my favourite indie rock, cranking up the volume on my music centre and speakers for I knew that no matter how hard my mum tried, she couldn't help but hear it, and that thought cooled my resentment a little. Sure, this little revenge was just a childish act, but I didn't care about that.
Opening my laptop, I looked at the Oxford University website for the hundredth time, with a bitter resentment towards the whole world: it had been my dream to go there, to that distant, but so desirable institution. My life's dream.
I went to the website of the Faculty of Philosophy for the hundredth time and sighed bitterly, holding back my tears.
– Misha, please turn off the music! – Suddenly I heard my mum's voice outside my room.
– You think I'm a child? That's how I behave, to please you! – I shouted at her with offence.
– Misha!
– No!
Mum sighed heavily, but walked away from my room.
I stared at the laptop monitor again.
«What kind of life is this? I'm young, I'm beautiful, I have a personal bank account in which my parents deposited huge amounts of euros before I was born, but I can't touch anything I own! I am eighteen years old, I will be nineteen in five months and I still live with my parents, I have no friends except my laptop and music centre, I have hardly ever been in society, among humans and vampires. Even at one of the prestigious English schools I studied online and I've never once been there physically! I can only sit in our huge Art Nouveau house, walk in the garden artificially created especially for me, ride my bike… And that's it. No, I can go to Prague, but I can live in my sister's castle so she can keep an eye on me. How humiliating! We live in the twenty-first century, and my parents still can't understand the rules of modern life, where girls my age go to colleges and universities, arrange their personal lives and find friends. My parents do not realise that I am not like themselves: more than five centuries stand between us, and they will never understand me, a daughter of the modern world. What they consider a right earned, an age-old right, I consider a natural right. Of course, it is easy for them to say that I don't understand them and they don't understand me because I am spoilt, and despite this delusion, my family cherishes me, almost deifies me. I am kept like a nightingale in a golden cage: I am supplied with blood, gadgets, universal love, and I have everything except one thing: freedom of choice. Fortunately, at least they let me buy my own clothes. Although, no – even clothes I buy online because I'm not allowed to go to the shops. And how did my precious family let me go to the Czech Republic and travelling there with Cedric? It's amazing! Their heads must have been full of Mariszka's wedding! – I thought with a bitter smile. – But maybe Cedric is right? He said that if I want to earn her trust, I need to stop acting like a child… Yes, he's right! After all, that makes sense! The problem is that it will be hard for me to get rid of my role, hard to be myself, but I have to do it!»
I turned off the music and decided to talk to my mum once more, but this time in a mature way: she and I are real. The real Misha, not the hysterical Misha.
Mum was sitting in her office going through some papers, but as soon as I entered the office, she took her eyes off the papers and looked at me with a smile.
– I want to talk» I said in a calm tone as I walked to her desk and sat down on the chair next to it.
Mum smiled affectionately once more and put the papers aside.
– 'Of course, sweetheart. About what?
I felt irritated again: the word «sweetheart» instead of my name put me in the position of a child. But I held back my anger and drew in more air.
– Listen to me, please» I began. – I realise that I am a late child and that I am very young. But I don't think that's an argument for you to disregard my opinion.
– Is this about that again? I thought we'd already settled this» Mum said with a tired smile.
– That's the thing, we haven't. How can I explain it to you? You all don't trust me, and it depresses me. – I considered every word carefully. – You don't believe in my independence, you don't believe that I can decide something on my own, without you: without you, Dad, brothers and sisters.
– Misha, of course, we trust you, but you must understand: in our world, as well as in the human world, there are rules that must be observed by everyone. If everyone acts only according to their own wishes, there will be disorder in the world, and the system built over centuries will collapse. Moreover, you should remember that in our world the rules are immutable, and only thanks to them we can live in peace and successfully hide our existence from mortals. Humans are imperfect, yes, they have a lot of freedom, but they have nothing to hide, and we do.
– I understand this perfectly well, but you should also understand my position: I believe in my own strength and in the fact that I can take care of myself.
– Honey, I'm not saying you can't take care of yourself. I'm saying that you can't do it yet, because of your age. You have to accept that. You have a lot to learn: everything we have achieved is the result of effort, hardship, training and exercise.
– So teach me all that! – I objected.
– It's too early for you to learn it: the first killings are shocking, so you have to be prepared for them, first of all, mentally.
– I am ready for it. I realise it's the only way we can feed ourselves.
– That's not what I'm saying: you're still too inexperienced, but you'll learn everything in due time.
I sighed heavily: «in due time!»
I had thousands of arguments and beliefs running through my head, but I couldn't put them into words, as if I didn't have enough vocabulary, even though I loved to read.
– Well, I'm willing to accept that. But I don't understand why you won't let me go to Oxford. – I persisted.
Mum stopped smiling and her face became very serious.
– Because I'm afraid for you» she replied.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
– You're afraid of something I'm not? – There was no limit to my surprise.
– Exactly.
– But it's wrong: if you don't let me go, I'll never be independent. You let Mariszka go to the Sorbonne when she was nineteen.
– Mariszka is a different story. Her youth was in a different era, more peaceful, and yours is in the midst of a million temptations.
– Then you think I am worse than Maria and Mariszka? – I exclaimed unhappily.
– No, not at all! – Mum sighed and took my hands in hers. – I'm afraid you won't be able to understand, but I'll try to explain. We live in a difficult, turbulent and frightening time: temptation and exposure are at every turn. And I want to protect you from them. I don't know how else I can raise you to be a true vampire in this time. You're not strong enough to resist what's around you-you don't have the core that we have, and I want you to stay away from mortals because you're not immune to them yet, and it's hard and painful to get that immunity, and I'm afraid…» Mom stopped talking.
I looked at her expectantly, silently demanding that she finish her sentence.
– You'll understand me. Someday you will» Mum said without finishing her thought.
Her words moved me: despite my outward indifference, I was extremely sensitive.
– But, mum, hear me! You can trust me, because I trust in myself! I can stand up to them, I can! I feel it with all my heart and with all my soul! – I exclaimed desperately, squeezing her palm.
– Misha…
– All right! If you are afraid to let me go alone, put someone to me, like you did with my brother Markus in Bohemia! I'll do it! Just let me go to Oxford, Mum! I want to live and learn to be a real vampire!
Mum turned her face away, as if it was hard for her to look at me.
– You can go to Prague, to Mariszka's» she said finally, after a long silence.
I frowned disappointedly: she was talking about her own things again!
– But then I wouldn't develop! Mariszka will replace you and overprotect me, and I want to feel free to act, but I absolutely understand and accept my responsibilities, – I said.
But Mum didn't answer me.
– After all, I am no more stupid than people my age,' I added. – Please think about it. Maybe you could ask someone you know who lives in England to look after me.
– Not now, Misha. It's very hard for me to talk about it. We'll talk in a month, when your father, brothers and Maria arrive,' Mum said firmly.
– But, Mum…
– I'm not saying no to you, but I need time to… I need to think things over, maybe I can arrange things. I just won't be able to live peacefully knowing that you are far away from me, because I missed Mariszka's hunt to be with you. You are my youngest child and by far my favourite. I love all of you, Martin, Mścislav, Maria, Mariszka, but they are grown up and have become independent, and you are still a child. You were born in this incomprehensible time of universal equality, and you are very impressionable. But I realise I can't keep you at home. Let me think about it. You won't be able to go to Oxford this year anyway.
I nodded silently, marvelling at my foresight: I had already taken the entrance exams online, and I had recently received an email notifying me that I had been accepted into the philosophy department, just as I had dreamed.
I was filled with joy that, thanks to my adult conversation with my mum, I had achieved a lot. Of course, Mum didn't agree, but she promised to think about it. And that's a result.
– Okay, I'll wait. Just please don't think that being away from me is the worst thing in life. I mean, have faith in me, Mum. I promise I'll justify your trust, and if I don't succeed, I'll come home voluntarily. Just understand me.
I had no more words. I kissed Mum's hand and left the office.
Not a sound, not even the rustle of paper, came from her office for another hour or so. Apparently, I had struck Mum in the heart.
But I felt euphoric, and I vowed to become myself, to become the Misha that Cedric saw in me, the one who had cried in front of him.
***
At the end of August, the whole family, except for Mariszka, who had officially joined the Morgan clan and was no longer considered a member of our Mroczek clan, gathered in the large living room to discuss my fate. So that I couldn't hear what they were talking about (a laugh!), they sent me out of town, to our big cottage, and for some reason the discussion dragged on for almost a week: it was the first of September, and I would have to get ready for school, and they couldn't give me an answer as to whether I was going or staying at home. I called someone from the family every day to ask if they had finalised their discussion, but for the sixth day in a row I heard the same thing: «maybe tomorrow».
I knew how much I was loved by my extended family and how much everyone was used to my constant presence at home. When I was very young I was simply carried in their arms, for I was an adorable late baby. I was vaguely aware that vampires breed very slowly, and that I was the only vampire under a hundred years old, meaning that there were no vampires my age or younger than me in the whole world, which was depressing: my brothers were over two hundred years old-Martin was three hundred and five, Mścislav was two hundred and fifty; my sisters were slightly younger-Maria was two hundred and thirteen, and Mariszka was two hundred in August. Well, and me – eighteen. In December I'll be nineteen.
My older brothers and sisters did not understand me, but spoilt me and fulfilled all my requests: in winter Mscislav and Martin drove me on sledges, built with me snowmen and ice sculptures, and watched with me cartoons by Walt Disney. Mariszka babysat me like a mummy, and Maria came to visit us rarely. In the eyes of my family, I was just an unsophisticated child, for they were so… Old and wise. What then to speak of parents who were over five hundred years old?
But, once again, after hearing «I guess we'll decide tomorrow», I gave up and came home to put an end to this ridiculous action: they had convened a consilium to decide whether to let me go to Oxford or not! Ridiculous. However, my arrival surprised no one: it turned out that they themselves had assumed that I would be impatient and come to disturb them, and I was pleasantly surprised and angry at the same time – all this time only one question had been decided.
«Who will look after Misha in England?»
As for me going to Oxford, everyone agreed on the first day, after much debate of course. It took a long time to convince me… Not even Dad (!), but Martin, who just couldn't live without me.
– Why do you have to go anywhere, sister? Isn't there a university in Warsaw worthy of you? – He asked me unhappily, greeting me with a hug.
– It's not a matter of principle, it's a call of the heart» I answered him seriously. And no lies.
I hugged all my relatives, stood in the centre of the circle of chairs in which they were sitting, and felt like a clown in the circus.
– I knew you wouldn't stand for it and come here to stick your nose in grown-up business» said my father, smiling. – But Martin is right: if you had chosen any university, not even in Warsaw, but in Poland or the Czech Republic, I wouldn't have been so concerned about your choice. But you chose England for some reason.
– I think Oxford is the best place to start my life. I'm not going to America, I'm only going to England! – I retorted to my father.
– It's your 'just' that's killing me» Mum grumbled. – Maria, what are you going to tell Mischa?
Maria shook her long hair, which was the same colour as mine, and indeed, like the rest of our family: we were all golden-haired.
– I'll say to her, «Write often, my friend!» – Maria said cheerfully.
I sent her a kiss, but then I remembered that I didn't have to play the role of the cranky girl I hated, so I pulled myself together and made a serious face.
– Well, let's remove this question, – said the father tiredly, – and continue our reasoning: who to entrust Misha in England?
– We have decided that it will be your cousin Christopher, – Mscislav reminded his father. – He, as no one better, will be able to look after his great-niece.
– No, Christopher can not: I called him this morning – he went to Australia, breeding kangaroos. What the hell is he doing there?
– I think Frederik Haraldson is at Oxford now» Martin began, but his father, his face contorted with rage, interrupted him sternly.
– Not a word about him and his family! – he exclaimed in an angry voice.
«Whoa! What's the matter with him? What a violent reaction to the name of this Frederik!» – involuntarily ran through my mind.
– How many times, Father? You haven't spoken to each other for three years! Poor Frederik, I feel sorry for him! – Martin said unhappily to his father.
– Sorry? Why should you feel sorry for him? – parried my father.
My ears perked up and I stared at my father: the mere mention of this unknown vampire made my father furious.
«What happened between Dad and this vampire to make Dad so angry?» – I thought, cautiously watching this new turn of events.
– Believe me, his… -» Martin began.
– I said not a word about him! – My father even raised his voice, which he had never done before.
Martin grinned mockingly, my mother pressed her lips together, and Mścislav and Maria frowned and looked at each other as if my older brother had said something nonsensical. And I got quite frightened.
«Oh, Martin, why did you say that? It was completely out of place! Now Dad might forbid me to go to Oxford! No, not that!» – I thought grudgingly and fearfully, and let Martin know it by tapping his forefinger on his temple, but without his father seeing it.
But Martin only shrugged his shoulders indifferently.
– Dad, I hope…» I started, but when my father looked at me, his eyes burned with such anger that I was afraid I would make him even angrier.
– What, Misha? – he asked calmly.
I was confused: the calm tone of his voice didn't match the expression on his face or the anger in his eyes.
– I hope it's because of that Frederik… What's his name again?
– Haraldson» Maria told me.
– Yes, because of him… You won't forbid me to go to Oxford? – I asked hopefully.
– 'That would be a wise decision,' answered my father, rising from his chair and going to the window.
– But you will not forbid it, will you? – I went up to him and took his hands in mine, looking into his eyes.
His young, beautiful face softened.
– I wish I could, but I've already promised to let you go, and I can't go against my word» he said, but there was bitterness in his voice.
– Thank you, Daddy! You don't know how much this means to me! – I kissed him on the cheek.
– But I don't want you to communicate with that… Frederik: not a word, not half a word» said my father suddenly very seriously.
– I won't! I don't even know who he is or what he looks like! – I promised.
I was ready to promise anything as long as Dad didn't deny me my admission.
– It doesn't matter. Just know and always remember that I forbid you to talk to him. And even if he talks to you first, don't answer him. Ignore him. Pretend he doesn't exist. Understand?
This request, or rather order, surprised me, but if that was my father's wish, I agreed wholeheartedly.
– I promise. I told you, I won't talk to him. Never!
– I think I'm watching some kind of melodrama» Martin whispered to Maria. She elbowed him in the side, but everyone laughed.
– Well, now that it's settled, prepare for the entrance exams. When will they be? – asked my father, not letting my hands out of his.
I was embarrassed: what if I told him that, without their consent and permission, I had already passed the exams and got admitted? Wouldn't he get angry?
«Even if he gets angry, he still won't break his word. God grant everyone to fulfil their promises like that!» – I thought and after asking for a moment of waiting, I left the living room and returned to my family with a letter from the university printed on the printer.
– What is it? – Mum asked in bewilderment as I held out the piece of paper to her.
– The thing is, I've already got in» I said firmly. – I didn't wait for you to decide and took the exams online.
My father glanced at the letter with a disgruntled look.
– 'Well, I see you didn't waste any time. Congratulations. Still, I am happy about your first independent victory» he said, handing me the letter, which Maria immediately took. – But I ask you, next time, before you do something so rash, wait for our permission.
– All right, all right! Then I'll go pack my things! – I was so happy, I was ready to fly to London that very day.
– Wait a minute, sister, the things aren't going anywhere. We haven't solved the most important question. – Martin looked at his father. – So who's going to look after our little tomguy?
I waited with anticipation and a joyful longing in my chest for my father's reply and looked into his eyes.
He was looking at me with a smile, too.
– I think she should try living alone, unsupervised. Maybe then she'll realise the value of family and parental control in this world» he said with a smile.
– Dad, you make it sound like I don't love you! – I exclaimed, throwing myself around his neck.
– But you are so eager to leave us! – Maria said, coming up to me and hugging me. – Congratulations! But don't flirt too much!
– I think flirting is your thing! – I laughed.
– Here it goes! A youthful maximalism! And I thought you would keep her at home until marriage» said Mścislav cheerfully to his father, and gave me the letter from the university, which had already fallen into his hands.
– I wish I could, but you see for yourself: this chick wants to spread its wings and fly away» replied his father. – But I still have a question.
I tensed up.
– Where will you live?
– Ugh… How you scared me! – I exclaimed with relief. – I've already been allocated a university flat.
– You have a whole flat all to yourself? You won't get lost in it? – jokingly asked Mscislav.
– I don't know how it's done… And anyway, you've already studied there, so you'd tell me! – I parried his joke.
– I am happy to tell you, but I think Maria or Mariszka will give you better advice.
In the evening, sitting in my bright and cosy room, I still couldn't believe that I had achieved what I wanted: I would go to England! I'll fly away from Poland! I'll fly away from my family! And there would be a new, grown-up, independent life!
«Thank you, Cedric. You helped me to become myself» I thought gratefully, suddenly remembering him.